And now it hits me

Hear my thoughts:
 

I know the feeling of investing so much on something and then when you get to the final step, when you think you’re happy and you lose, it feels like you just feel over all the steps you took just to get there.

Just when i was already starting to trust you, just when i was about to get drowned by my foolishness, just when i was about to be blinded by your sweetness, you suddenly revealed the real you.

Time has elapsed so fast that I wasn’t able to even catch up on my own self. Yes, I had moments when I asked myself “what the hell is happening?” But I just let them pass and move on with whatever I was doing at that time. So here I am, taking things slow ( oh, it took me too much time to learn how to do this)

I don’t know if I am on the stage of denial or something, maybe im just afraid to feel the pain again. Last night I finally found myself crying? Nah I was not crying, I prefer to call it “luha”. It wasn’t a bad thing after all. Actually, it made me realize that I’m still human, I still have feelings, that I still have tears and im not that invincible. But those tears weren’t for anyone but myself. maybe I just needed someone who would treat me special, who would appreciate the whole me and treat me like im such a precious being and not trash.

Im well aware that I’ve been playing with fire at least that’s what I kept on telling myself. but I’m new in that kind of game and it did hurt, not too much but it did hurt.. maybe the only mistake I made was I played with someone who has been in the game for so long and it was me who is suffering in the end. Life is indeed unfair. But I can still say I was really happy at that time..

But I did my best. I know I did. But I guess we are not just meant to be. It sucks because we are good friends, and I do love you so much and now I don’t know what to do.. It seems like you were just making a fool of me. I don’t know the reason why, and to be honest I don’t want to know it.

Well I guess, all I have to do is wait for you to realize your true intentions so that we can move on and build a better friendship instead.

As boston says, I think I just tired.. I need a sunrise, I’m tired of sunset..

Footnote: I’m now letting you go, be happy, find yourself and find your girl. Maybe, she has the keys of your attic. And if one day you find yourself alone, and you realize that the building became square.. that will be the right time for us.. (as I said.. if that day comes)

Que sera, sera.. whatever will be, will be..

Letting go is never easy

It is really hard to decide what to do with a relationship with someone once you have loved. I'm in a crossroad once again. I'm in a dilemma,there’s a lot of questions running through my mind .. Can I reroute the course that I have taken and  start all over again? Can I put aside my feelings,  and pretend that nothing happened? When in fact all I want is to be real with myself, with the person I used to love..but  now all I feel for him is affection.

How do I walk away from someone I loved and take the road of friend? Can I really do that? Nah, I can’t. I don’t really want to let him go, but I don’t know what to do.. Whenever I saw this huge question mark in my mind, I always look at our pictures,memories.. We have shared so much together,laughter,fun times, tears… Yet sometimes we can’t turn back time. And now I don’t know If I should walk away and allow ourselves to heal. My mind says stay but it’s my heart I must trust.

All I’ve wanted is to build a stable relationship with someone, all I want is to be loved, to be respected… but now I’ve realized that I cannot find stability in my love life if I am not emotionally stable, if I am not honest  with myself about the feelings,beliefs,doubts and hurts of my life. I cant even take responsibility and ownership for my past life and mistakes so I blame others.

I know one day we will be happy and our soul mate we will find. I know we each have one.. out there. Even if for now..only in our minds. May life be gentle with us, may God’s best come our way..

For now ,all I can do is to give my best shot, to make this relationship work  until I find the right answer, the right one, not only for us but for me as well.

The art of forgiving one another

It's been a long time since i attended the holy mass ..and the last gospel i heard was about forgiving one another..Forgiving someone for a hurt is not easy. A desire for revenge comes more naturally, specially for me. I'm not that kind of person who can forgive easily..

In Luke 17:3-4 Jesus says, “I am warning you! If another believer sins, rebuke him; then if he repents, forgive him. Even if he wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, forgive him"

"forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was you."

I too am in need of forgiveness. If God did not withhold his forgiveness from me, why should I withhold my forgiveness from another?

So here I am.. To all those i've hurt, I am now asking for your forgiveness and to all those who have hurt me, I am now forgiving you so I can set my heart free of anger,bitterness,resentment and hurt that previously imprisoned me.

Footnote: I wrote this note a year ago.Like I said it's just a note.How I wish I can forgive everyone from everything.. Oh my God, how I really wish...

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